Kitchen Rules for Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
by Mice
Summary: Someone at some point of time at Xavier's thought it would be a good idea to have a list of rules for the common area of the kitchen. At some point, this was phased out due to an ever changing roster. This was a collaboration ("collabo"!) with an old friend. Also, #22b forever.


1) Mutant powers are not to be used in the preparation of food without the express permission of the headmaster. This means you, Gambit.

1a) Logan, I couldn't care less about Apocalypse, Genesis or the Weapon X project. Your claws are a mutant power.

2) In the event of a heat wave, power outage, etc, Bobby Drake is not to be used as your personal cooling system.

2a) (Unless you dare to bare!)

2b) Always ignore the added ravings of the frozen lunatic.

3) Regardless of the circumstances under which they are obtained, fowl are not to be plucked in the presence of members of the faculty. We don't want Warren to go catatonic all over again.

3a) (Well...maybe a little...)

4) Any contents in this refrigerator that requires the use of the carbon dating machine in the lab will be thrown out. (Please do not attempt to carbon date food, lest we all forget the "Is it an avocado, steak sandwich, or chocolate cake?" fiasco that required immediate fumigating afterwards.)

4a) In lieu of carbon dating, don't attempt to feed it to any member of the household on a dare, lest we all forget the "Would you do it for a Klondike Bar?" fiasco that wound up in the emergency room downtown and yet another fumigating of the game room, thanks to the instantaneous food poisoning.

4b) If you refuse to throw it away, please send to Forge.

5) Anyone found to have broken, removed, clogged up or otherwise discombobulated the coffee machine will have precisely one hour to clean, repair or replace it.

5a) In other words, "Step between Dr. McCoy and the coffee machine at your peril."

5b) Anyone discovered to have given Jubilee coffee, granted Jubilee access to the coffee maker, by omission failed to prevent Jubilee from getting herself coffee, or to have been the last person out of the room aside from Jubilee while the coffee machine is active will be expelled immediately and without appeal.

6) The picture of Professor Xavier above the stove is there - encased with heat proof glass - for a reason. If you think something might be a bad idea, just glance at his kindly disapproving eyes, as if they were saying, "Don't go there, girlfriend" and rethink it.

6a) No, it's not your imagination. They do move.

6b) Despite the urban legend, no, that is not Englebert Humperdink's ascot he is sporting in the picture.

6c) ...however, the Professor has confirmed that it was a gift from Paul Anka, Andy Williams, or Francis Ford Coppola.

7) No, Bobby, you may not prank-call the Heroes for Hire from this phone, either. (see #22b)

8) The Ghost of Elvis is not in the green Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge. We suspect that the rumor of this started with bad, late night Cajun cooking and a reluctance to do the dishes. The Ghost of Elvis (not that it is) is not required to be refrigerated.

8a) Will you wash the bowl already, Remy? It's not like we don't have a dishwasher or anything - hell, throw it out! Throw it away! Just get it out of there!

8b) Please do not give The Ghost of Elvis sideburns... you did put those there, Bobby (see #22b), right? They're not organic, are they?

9) As you are doubtlessly all aware, Wolverine can smell what color underwear you're wearing from two hundred yards upwind. This means that he will also know if you've been drinking from the carton. Word to the wise: Don't Do It.

9a) Jubilation, I can read your mind. It doesn't matter that Logan will not, as you put it, 'rat you out'. I'll still know. (see #22b)

10) While the human body in all its incarnations is - of course - celebrated, looking at your sausage and biscuits while trying to eat my sausage and biscuits is a bit disgusting. Plus, stray hairs.

10a) STRAY. HAIRS. IN. BUTTER. The COMMUNUAL butter!

11) Considering the various and sundry differences in metabolisms and immune systems that the wonderful world of the X-Factor gene has presented us, proper food hygiene is to be observed at all times, in dress as well as in behavior.

11a) White leather lingerie, spandex swimming trunks, and pink Kevlar body armor do not count as properly hygienic dress. No, not even ifworn all three together, Bobby (see #22b).

11b) And while we're on the subject of such behavior, the next toaster is coming out of your pay packet, Kitty.

12) We realize that a lot of us have seen a lot of warped movies and have a lot of advanced technology on the premises. Please do not combine the two when cleaning up the kitchen.

12a) Also, please don't try to mind meld with animals to do your chores. It always winds up with a headache, a confused monkey, and an even dirtier mess.

13) Food is bought from supermarkets. Not found in the woods.

13a) Nor may you eat your fellow students.

13b) Not even if it will grow back.

13c) Please don't ever tell the children that they're eating Colossus again, Jubilee (see #22b).

14)People do talk. Keep that in mind late at night when people wander in and see…"things".

14a) People may exaggerate and be generous or stingy, but other people believe them.

14b) In other words, it's your own damn fault for not following #10-11,Bobby (see #22b)!

15) Plates are not to be used as Frisbees. Kitchen appliances are not to be used for scientific experiments or projects (yes, Hank, this does apply to you). Cutlery is not to be infused with a bio-kinetic charge and thrown at people except in the event of another alien invasion, DNA purist movement attack or student riot, and then only when all other options have run out.

15a) Except keys. Don't make me hurt you again, Gambit.

16) Hank's Lab is not part of the kitchen. It is not a place to reheat leftovers when the microwave is in use.

16a) Gambit is not part of the kitchen. He is not to reheat his own leftovers when the microwave is in use. Do not listen to his stories about his days as a youth in New Orleans - if you listen carefully, he steals a lot from Ann Rice. Your food will not taste good, there will be a harder mess to clean up, and you have to hear about that time he caught his old friend Lestat eating rats...AGAIN.

17) It's a security system, not an egg timer. Next time you'll have to explain things to the Avengers personally, Paige.

17a) And to stick with an audience, what is acceptable in rural Kentucky has nothing to do with what is acceptable in a private school in upstate New York. Please use a baggie, like everybody else.

18) If it is morning and it is a song you are singing and you know for a fact that none of us are deaf, there will be consequences. To be continued as I can't think of any right now because it's morning and someone is singing and the coffee isn't done yet.

18a) Had coffee. Will pour coffee down your pants if you sing.

18b) Specifically, decaf. Caffeinated coffee is too good for you.

18c) ...oh...oh god, are you singing songs from "Oklahoma"? Why, why would you do that? Why are you doing it? Why do you persist on doing that (see #31)? Why is the decaf coffee taking so long to make?

19) Addendum: Additions are not to be made to this list before nine o'clock in the morning or after midnight.

19a) Additions made in magic marker will further not be accepted.

19b) In fact, let's make that "additions not made with the knowledge and approval of at least two senior members of the faculty may be deleted."

20) Food that has a name on it should not be considered an exercise in handwriting. Next time, there will be a punishment and it will involve Nair.

20a) Despite the rumors and obvious trajectory of your thought, my name is on this building. Therefore, rule #20 does not apply to , Prof. Charles Xavier

21) The key to the liquor cabinet is lodged with Mr. Summers. The cabinet is only to be accessed with his permission.

21a) I feel bound to add that any individual who succeeds in persuading our valiant and fearless leader to grant them access to the aforesaid abode of alcohol should immediately make haste to the laboratory to share the secret of precisely how you prevailed.

21b) Remy, I've booby-trapped the lock. Try that again at your own risk.

21c) That was your own fault, Kitty. You helped design that device, after all.

22) When it becomes a question of "Is it milk, cheese, or hair conditioner?" do not apply the scientific method. No matter how bored you are, and no matter how available Henry is, Jubilee.

22a) And Bobby.

22b) Just assume that when we say either Jubilee or Bobby, we mean the both of you.

23) List of objects not to be put in the dishwasher ever again:

• Unrinsed crockery.

• Any part of the Professor's bone china tea service.

• Any of the non-stick pots and pans.

• Marrow's bones. Regardless of their intended purpose.

• Medical equipment. Honestly, Hank, the sterilizer in the laboratory cost $150,000; could you please use it?

• Weaponry of any kind. Even if it's disassembled.

• Cheap cutlery. Unless you want to get stuck with hand-cleaning the resultant patina off the silverware.

• Cyborg body parts.

• Human body parts.

• Animal body parts.

• Anybody parts

• Clothing. Including uniforms and body armour.

• Supervillains.

24) When cooking, please apply Occam's Fire Hydrant - ask yourself, "Would this really be better if I were to light it on fire?"

24a) The answer to Occam's Fire Hydrant is always, "No."

24b) The exception - of course - is Scott's grill.

24c) No, you are not allowed to touch Scott's grill.

24d) No, you are not allowed to buy your own grill in retaliation. Scott earned his grill privilege, Remy, whereas you are the reason #24exists.

24e) All rules that center around the issue of fire, while certainly centered around Remy, they are not directed only to him. This is contrary to#22b where we know that one of you did something but don't want towaste the time and energy figuring out which as you'll both have a high-five fest about it anyway.

24f) While we're on it, no more high-five fests in the kitchen.

25) I don't care if your powers have finally stopped working and are making up for lost time - you are not allowed to do that in here, Rogue.

25a) That goes for the rest of you, too. You have private bedrooms for a reason.

25b) If you don't have a private bedroom, guess what? That's for a reason, too.

26) You have a lab, Hank. Next time you feel like experimenting on helpless foodstuffs, take it to the lab. There are some things Twizzlers, whipped cream, and chipped beef weren't meant to do.

26a) Take Bobby "Eye-Gor" Drake (see #22b) with you. He scares the young ones. And he only makes you worse.

27) Some of you may remember the Great August Blizzard from a few years ago. Some of you may also be aware that this was a direct result of two team members (do not see #22b) stealing the last tub of Haagen-Daz and given which two team members it was (do not see #22b) it is probably not suitable for discussion in this setting in any case (See #25. Do not see #22b). All that said, if you finish the ice cream, and it's that time of the month, Storm will not be held responsible. You will.

27a) It bears repeating – do not see #22b as you will not be able to unsee it.

28) While Xavier's accepts all cultures and backgrounds and languages, and understands that the morning is rough on some people, we do ask that if you come here in the morning, you communicate in a vocal language all understands. Interpretive dancing will be reason to get the hose.

28a) Esperanto is acceptable as it is the universal language.

28b) Pig Latin is not, despite your petition. (See #22b)

29) Violence between inhabitants of the mansion is to be limited to formal training sessions in the Danger Room. It is certainly not to take place in the kitchen.

29a) Cyclops reserves the right to schedule extra danger room sessions for any inhabitants without warning. Especially if they break any of the above rules.

30) Our kitchen has the distinction of having many wondrous utensils. We have can openers for opening cans, bottle openers for opening bottles, ice cream scoops for ice cream, and other items as well. I spent a hellish day downtown getting all the utensils we would ever require so we would never be at a loss. I will be hurt if you insist on your more creative efforts - not that seeing Cable prove that his gun was also a strong contender for the ultimate knife/blender/spatula/masher/meat tenderizer/paper towel/disinfectant/ice maker/can opener/bottle opener/fondue pot/melon baller/jar opener wasn't a very special event in my life.

31) Stop that immediately, Jubilation. (See #22b)

32) A woman is beautiful no matter what. So when we come into the kitchen in the morning, we ask that you not scream, point guns, snicker, mock, or throw bacon at our heads. In return, we shall not mention the morning wood - or lack thereof. Yeah, we know you're wearing boxers, but we can see fall out and through the key hole. We're attentive like that. And we can point and laugh at the same time.

32a) (See #31)

33) As of the recent return of the sublime Ms. Braddock to our merry band of brothers (and, indeed, sisters, and. whatever certain members of the student body really are), Cheese-In-A-Can is once again banned from the Mansion, on pain of lobotomy.

33a) Similarly, anyone using the term 'Champagne' to describe anything other than a high-quality sparkling white wine from the Champagne region of France (that's France in Europe, Bobby [see #22b]) will find themselves nursing the worst migraine on the planet.

33b) Further to the above, if the phrase 'French Champagne' should ever pass your lips, you'll save time and trouble by scooping out your own brains and dumping them in the deep-fat fryer. Breading optional.

33c) Please stop laughing at the American cheese, Elisabeth. We've finally stopped laughing at the whole concept of Marmite, can you cut us some slack? It's becoming creepy and we're beginning to take bets on whether or not you are actually communicating with the cheese. (See also #32)

34) The only fuzzy things allowed in the kitchen are Hank, Kurt, Warren, and peaches. And there's nothing fuzzy allowed to be in the refrigerator.

34a) That fuzzy verboten list includes whatever the hell that is on your chin and lip, Bobby. (#22b non-applicable)

34b) Warren's wings are not fuzzy. They are of a silken softness that to know heaven is to know touching them.

34c) Warren, please refer to rule 19b. Just because you were one of the original members of the X-Men does not mean you have senior staff power. I don't care how large your bank account…sorry, bank accounts, are. We have rules.

34d) You cannot bribe your way into senior staff status, Warren. The crepe maker and the chef that came with it should leave after my order is done.

34e) …stop giggling like a twelve year-old at the phrase "senior staff power" (see #31). Don't you have other duties to attend to?

34f) …why is everything I write sound dirty? And where are my crepes?

35) Organic waste, including vegetable matter and uncooked food, is to be placed in the bin marked 'Organic Waste'. Recyclable metal, including cans, is to go in the 'Recyclable Metal' bin. Paper and card is to have all staples removed and be placed in the paper bin. Cooked food, plastics and non-recyclable packaging is to go in the general bin. Empty jars and bottles are to be hand-washed and placed in the box by the door.

35a) #19b, Hayseed.

35b) Ms. Frost told me to add this, Jubilee.

35c) We have a Shi'ar-built recycling unit that can turn all of the above into a mixture of clean fuel and environmentally friendly fertilizer. What on Earth makes you think the above measures are even necessary?

35d) …because despite #34d, the crepe chef is still here and the line to him is blocking the access way. Speaking of, see #34f.

35e) That didn't sound dirty.

35f) I was referring to the crepes. I've been waiting for an hour!

36) You will note we do not have a television in the kitchen. This does not mean you can uproot the television in the rec room and set it up on the table because there is a very important Emeril Lagasse special on the Food Network. Not only is it an inconvenience to clean up, no one wants to eat it. Refer to rule #4b. See also, iPads and laptops.

36a) As well as having no television in the kitchen, you may not emulate certain television shows. Mainly because when Bobby and Hank did" Iron Chef", they did not invite me to partake.

36b) The secret ingredient was "American cheese", Betsy. We were afraidy ou'd pass out from the horror.

36c) I though you said that we shouldn't invite her to take part because British food tastes like steamed [illegible]

36d) See #31

37) Kitchen equipment is not to be re-designed or re-built. In particular, Hank, the microwave is not to be customized to pick up Playboy TV, and the refrigerator is not to be used as an interstellar communications device.

37a) New rule: No weapons whatsoever in the kitchen.

37b) Point of clarification: my eyes are not a weapon when concealed behind my glasses or visor.

37c) See #10 and #11 for other so-called "concealed weapons".

38) Ants occasionally raid our beloved kitchen. We have prepared for such an invasion with over the counter pesticides, sprays, and a number for the local exterminator. "Because I was feeling lazy" is not a valid excuse when someone returns and finds an ice with little ants suspended in it.

38a) We're really, really sorry for blaming you, Bobby - you really can't blame us for turning to you first about that matter, given the nature of the act. We had no idea Ororo had problems with ants.

39) Please observe the cooking rota on the bulletin board. Follow it. If you can't cook on the day you're down for, arrange an exchange.

39a) Addendum: Let me remind you all that this remains a high-security semi-secret headquarters for a band of Mutant freedom fighters/vigilantes. Mansion security can just about survive pizza delivery. It cannot survive an army of caterers and a Frenchman named Marcel who won't even let me in the door, let alone to the coffee machine.

40) The basic use for food is for nourishment of our bodies. It should not be used in the following manners:

• Face tonic

• Art

• Science projects

• Erotic means (see #25, #27)

• Curiosity/"Just cuz"

• Living out your Carmen Miranda fantasy (see Rule #22b)

• Weaponry

• "Natural" male enhancement

• Movie re-enactments and/or puppet shows

• Bribery (exception being #32d…which will be suspended after I get more crepes…)

• Poisoning

41) Even if you have a note signed by the headmaster, you still can't perform black magic rituals in the kitchen.

41a) While we acknowledge that voudoun is not actual black magic as such, it's still not allowed in here.

41b) Just. take the chicken outside, okay? (See #3)

42) I cannot stress this enough - you need to take OUT the garbage. Do not attempt to do the following the garbage:

• Zap it

• Freeze it

• Telekinetically move it outside

• Mind meld with it

• Throw it out "freestyle"

• Shove it out

• Drag it out

• Create a sculpture out of it

• Play Jenga with it

• Hire monkeys to take it out (see #7)

• Teleport it out (garbage on top of brimstone is NOT pleasant. The fumigators are beginning to call us "Xaviers Institute of CHA-CHING!")

43) Food fights are hereby absolutely and definitively forbidden. It is not permissible to throw food at any other resident of the mansion, or to use your powers to launch food at any other resident of the mansion. See also #40.

43a) Using teleportation or speed powers to move other residents of the mansion into the path of food that you have just launched into empty space is also forbidden.

43b) Blowing food up, regardless of whether or not there's actually someone standing near it, is also forbidden. Some of us still have PTSD from Inferno.

43c) The construction of booby traps incorporating food is also forbidden.

43d) Yes, flour is a food. So is macaroni. And so are Sugar Bombs.

43e) Addendum: Sugar Bombs are not food in the sense of being capable of incorporation into a balanced diet. However, for the purposes of the ban on food fighting, Sugar Bombs are provisionally classified as 'food', on the grounds that I can't be bothered to write out the really ,really long words that Hank has given us as the proper classification.

44) Please do not bring up the ex of any team member when others are eating. It will induce vomiting.

44a) Especially if the ex-girlfriend has an alliterative name and is on a major news network.

44b) Especially if the ex-girlfriend has an affinity for commodious trousers.

44c) Yeah, well, especially if the ex-girlfriend is - you know what, I'm not going to go around it, if the ex-girlfriend is DAZZLER. Yeah, DAZZLER, Hank! YOU DID DAZZLER! YOU PROFESSED LOVE TO DAZZLER!

44d) Bobby, we were eating...!

44e) Bobby, how on earth did you figure out I was talking about you?

44f) The thesaurus you gave me for Christmas, Hank. I don't just use it fora coaster. BOOM. I just rocked your world.

44g) Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.*

44h) Ingenue, augue orci et hyacintho, non refert. (I also read the book on Latin – the non-Pig version. I dare you to try my Esperanto.)

45) You are not allowed to adopt your mutant/powered up/dupe up/animal form in the kitchen except in the event of a serious attack by hostile outsiders.

45a) Do not even joke about Jean going all Phoenix because we are out of milk. It's happened and we all miss that particular kitchen the burned to the ground as a result.

46) While we don't expect anyone to be overtly cheery and perky in the morning, the phrase "Good morning" shouldn't contain any four letter words aside from the word "good".

46a) Nor should any response to the greeting of "good morning".

46b) And you can't say the word "French", either. Not even referring to coffee. After Betsy's utterings of "French tart" near Gambit when we can only assume he was PMS'ing, it's better to be safe than sorry.

46c) I only cried because I saw rule #24. It was a coincidence.

47) To re-iterate, scenes from films are not to be acted out in the kitchen. Firstly, these are more or less guaranteed to violate at least one of the previous rules (specifically, #25, #42, sometimes #45). Secondly, because I say so. And thirdly, because it's only funny when Monty Python does it, anyway.

47a) Also, no affecting radical personality changes before ten o'clock. Trust me, you really don't want to convince Havok, Shadowcat or Bishop that they're in another alternate reality.

48) I know that you are young and in love and that you are obeying #25, but cooing and spouting such things as, "Thank you for loving me!" in the kitchen when there are people who haven't lost their hearing are present is still a violation.

48a) See #31. I don't care that she just kicked your ass in the Danger Room. You're still not allowed to go around cooing things like 'Thank you for kicking the merde out of me'.

49) Kitchen furniture stays in the kitchen, same as the appliances. You may not attempt to use the kitchen table as a Pirate Raft in the mansion swimming pool, you may not steal the chairs and take them up to your room, and you may not steal the light bulbs because you can't be bothered to go to the storeroom.

50) No talking above a seventh grade reading level before 9 - make that 10-11 a.m.

50a) It's not as if my perspicacity before my morning coffee could manage-

50b) That sounded like an SAT word, Hank.

50c) Hardly. I was merely conveying the fact that my verbosity does not quite facilitate until well after -

50e) Get him.

50f) Don't make me break #37a.

50g) You'll have to get past me first.

50h) I'll just break #42.

50i) With what? What could you – you're breaking #47, too!

50j) Veni, vidi, vici, uckers-say! (see #44h)

50k) Gross! Gambit is so going to #29, #10 & #11 you, #23 you, and then#35 you.

50l) Not if he's busy helping Rogue break #31 and disregarding #25 at the same time. GROSS.

50m) ...JEAN! Hank's trying to #24 me!

50n) Jean, that's a direct violation of #42.

51) Effective immediately, no one is allowed to use the kitchen ever again. At least, once It's been rebuilt. (see #45a) Also, Warren? Hire a new crepe chef. (see #34f)

*Cannot hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

**Frankly, my big blue gorilla, I don't give a damn.


End file.
